i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
