We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
