just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
