I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
