Got a toothbrush?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
