I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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