There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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