Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
