she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize