My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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