I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
