so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
