Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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