OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
