We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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