So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
