my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
