Just fell off a train. Bad.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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