I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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