You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
