I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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