You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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