I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
