I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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