is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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