Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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