well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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