apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
