I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
