How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
