she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
