Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
