Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize