just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
