I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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