I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He shit in the fireplace
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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