It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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