Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
