I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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