Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
