i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
