Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
