your thong is hanging out like whoa
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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