I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
