It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
