All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
