I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
