I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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