im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My dick has a subreddit
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
