I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I don't deserve a penis
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
