Michael Bay diarrhea
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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