Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
