i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
