No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
