Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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