I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
