woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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