i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
