you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
