I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
