My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
